A few years ago, Debbie and I were in a home improvement store. Debbie’s quite the designer, as anyone can see by looking at our beautiful home, and she was selecting paint for a new bathroom. The person who served us did a wonderful job. The employee carefully listened to the particulars of Debbie’s project, gave great advice about the different kinds of paints, and helped with some possible color choices. We went to that store a couple of times – each time getting the same wonderful service from the nice young…. young….

This is where I got stuck. I didn’t know the pronoun I should give to this person. What he a he? Was she a she? I honestly couldn’t tell. He had no facial hair. But he was pretty young – so perhaps he hadn’t matured that far or was just a smooth guy. She had a very beautiful voice – an alto range perhaps, with hair in a fashionable, gender-neutral style. The nametag read something gender neutral – like Pat or something similar.

Why was this important to me? Why was I uncomfortable? For some reason, I really wanted to know – or at least I wanted a word or a pronoun for him or her.  

About five years ago, I was at a fundraiser for the Twin Cities Gay Men’s Chorus – the group for which I am now the board chair. There was a young person speaking about the importance of understanding and acceptance. This person identified as neither boy nor girl. The mother talked about how at first it was hard to refer to her child as “they” instead of “him” or “her.” She had always loved and accepted her child as is, and she not only got used to, but eventually embraced using the new pronoun.

Later, I was introduced to the term “non binary” which Merriam Webster defines as “relating to or being a person who identifies with or expresses a gender identity that is neither entirely male nor entirely female.” 

I was further educated by the work of a friend and photographer, Brent Dundore, who is the creator of the They/Them Project. This project “interviews non binary individuals, offering a platform for them to be seen and heard, while informing and educating everyone on how words and actions affect the Trans+ community.” Take a look. It’s fascinating and beautiful.

I now had my words - my name for the paint store service person. This person was possibly “non binary.” And it felt good. But I asked myself again, “Why did it feel good?”

Then I remembered back to when I came out to Debbie twenty-five years ago. We were committed to staying together. I looked for a book about couples like us and I couldn’t find any. We were in many ways a normal couple, and in other ways weren’t. We were confident that we were doing the right thing for us and never wavered from that. But we felt alone. 

With the dawn of the Internet I found a group of local guys called the Fathers Group and an on-line chat community called HOW (husbands out to their wives.) But still no name for our kind of marriage per se.

Then a few years later, I heard someone being interviewed on the radio on my way home from work. She was talking about mixed-orientation marriages.  That’s it! I immediately acronymized the word. I rushed into the house. “Debbie! Debbie! We have a name. We have a MOM – a mixed orientation marriage!”

I had my answer to my previous discomfort. Having a name for couples like us was something good. Although I always knew that there were more of us, there were certainly enough for someone to come up with a name. And each of us has our story and are on a unique path.  

There is some value to words like “non binary” and “mixed orientation marriage.” I hope they’re not necessary for people to feel legitimized. And I hope they’re not used to negatively categorize or judge people. 

I believe they can be helpful. They can help us to explain who we are -  to have even better conversations about our experiences. They can help to educate ourselves and to treat people with greater respect. 

If someone I know identifies as non binary, I can refer to them as “them” or have a quick discussion about that person’s preferential pronoun.

When talking to people about my marriage, I say that my wife and I have a mixed orientation marriage. People know usually right away what that means. I don’t have to start at the beginning of the story. This helps open the door to good conversations. 

I don’t know if that young person at the home improvement store was non binary or not. But if I knew them better, if I had a conversation with them, and if they said to me “Hey – I’m non binary,” I’d get it. I’d love to learn more. I’d love to listen.