F2 Five Foundations for a Fabulous Life Together
Love yourself – as is.
There are things about us that simply can’t be changed – the color of our skin, our sexual orientation, our height, certain diseases, even our propensity to gain weight more easily than others. The list is endless. We often label these things as “good” or “bad.” They simply “are.” They’re a part of us as created beings and as such they are perfect.
Sure. There are often things about us that need improvement. We don’t want to be stagnant in our life journeys. For example, we may need to listen more or talk less. Or we may need to eat less and move more. As we evolve as humans we can discover ways that can improve our emotional or physical health, the health of others, or the health of our world. And it’s good to pursue those improvements –it’s a part of our learning and growing as humans. But each of these efforts are more likely to succeed if they emanate from a place of self-acceptance and love.
Love others – unconditionally.
Each of us deserves to be loved for exactly who we are. However, we often we layer conditions upon others for them to earn our true love. If only she would make more money, lose some weight, or learn to be more outgoing. If only hewould be more active, or clean the house more often, or be more buff. But what if those things never change? We’re hard enough on ourselves aiming for a false image of perfection; how much harder it is to expect that others attain this impossibility. Just as we can learn to love ourselves as is, it’s important to love others as is also.
Sometimes those things that bother us the most about the people we love are the very things that most beautifully complement ourselves! Her introversion helps to temper his outgoing nature –helping him to know “when to fold” more in conversations. His outgoing nature helps encourages her to step out a bit more when dealing with other people. His need for more simplicity in life helps to temper her need to have every minute of every day scheduled. All of these things leads to a more balanced and beautiful life.
None of this is intended to imply that we accept abuse from others. Consistent behavior that causes ourselves or others harm needs to be addressed. And, sometimes, we need to leave one another – even those we love dearly – so that we can protect ourselves or others.
Find the humor in things – now.
So often we look back on things that have happened to us and laugh. We marvel at how we found creative ways to survive. We find the crazy things people said and did as just that – crazy – rather than the intense personal affronts we viewed them as back then. Many situation comedies on TV very funny, largely because they remind us of more serious things that we have experienced in the past. And regarding work, remember that the comic strip “Dilbert” is funny for one reason only – it’s true! Those things happen every day. It’s good to find the humor in these things now – and not wait until years from now.
In general, it’s important to make time now to relax, play, have fun, and laugh. Many studies have proven the long-term benefits of doing such things.
You define your life – only you.
The expectations we place on ourselves usually don’t emanate from ourselves. They’re “gifted” to us from others. Some are good – be kind to one another, don’t take things that aren’t yours, be polite, etc. Others are far from a gift – you must get married, you must buy a “starter” house, then you must buy a bigger house, you must make a six figure salary, marriages look like this, families look like this, churches look like this, friends look like this, on and on and on.
Not only do we adopt these expectations, but we expect others to adopt them as well. Then we judge ourselves and other harshly if they’re not complying with these expectations. None of these things is true – or needs to be true for a happy and healthy relationship or life.
Certainly it’s good to adhere to principles that lead us to loving and caring for ourselves and our environment. But what about all the rest? When “they say so,” who are they, and do we really need to care what they think?
Only you can define your life – what leading a good life means to you. Do so. Then live that life.
Design your future
together – then live it.
To prepare for a lifetime together, it’s important to plan for that lifetime – together. Take the time to dream about what life will look like five, ten, fifteen, even fifty years into the future.
Certainly, make material plans – like when and if to own a house, how much to ideally save for retirement, or what kinds of places to travel to. Also, answer more ethereal questions. How will you be relating to one another? What will your home be like? What will people be saying about the two of you as a couple? If you have or plan to have children, what is important for them to learn to be good adults? How important is being together as a family? What does being together as a family look and sound like?
When or after talking about your future together, create some statements or images that reflect that future. When times get tough, recall those statements and images. Let them be a guide to making important decisions or solving challenging problems. When some of the goals you set become realities, celebrate them – together!