It finally happened. One of my grandchildren called me fat. Before he did that, he asked, “Why do you have such big butt?” I answered something like, “I just do. Just so you know, it’s not very kind to point out the size of someone’s butt, so you might not want to do that.” I thought I was done with it.

Today we live in a world where some churches welcome the LGBTQ community, some high schools have LGBTQ support groups, some states have laws protecting LGBTQ folks from discrimination, and some parents lovingly embrace their LGBTQ children when they come out. In today’s world, why would any young gay man not admit this to himself and others? How would any gay man marry a woman, have children and keep his thoughts to himself? 

Debbie and I have been married for 37 years. I came out to her when we were married for about 10 years. At that time, I identified as bisexual. I was sexually attracted to men and to Debbie. We were committed to remaining happily married forever….. But others weren’t quite so sure.

A couple of weeks ago, Debbie and I went on one of our date nights to the movies. We saw Amy Schumer’s “I Feel Pretty.” It’s pretty funny – and meaningful too. Amy plays a character named Renee who thinks she’s ugly, too fat, and totally unattractive. Although she is none of those things, she looks at herself through eyes of criticism and self-loathing. Her life appears to reflect that version of her reality. She doesn’t like her job in the dungeon of a warehouse, she doesn’t have a boyfriend, the whole works. Everything changes when she bumps her head….

A few years ago, Debbie and I were in a home improvement store. Debbie’s was selecting paint for a new bathroom. The person who served us did a wonderful job. We went to that store a couple of times – each time getting the same wonderful service from the nice young…. young….

Debbie and I came up with a long-term goal when our three daughters were very young. We decided that we’d “create a home that our adult children want to come home to.” Debbie and I imagined ourselves together on the front porch, in rocking chairs, sipping our coffee and chatting the day away....

In college, I was sexually attracted to women. But I was sexually attracted to men as well. I didn’t take any action on these feelings and continued to date women as I had in High School. The conservative Catholic college that I attended certainly had no services available to young men with this issue back in the 1970’s. Most likely, there weren’t such services at any college – religious or not....

I want to talk about a pet peeve of mine.  I’ll tell you when I get to it, so be patient with me. People hurt.  It’s part of the human condition.  People hurt from gut-wrenching grief.  People hurt from debilitating anxiety.  They hurt from heartbreak, frustration, anger, sadness, depression, hopelessness, loss.  The list goes on and on and on.  Have you ever hurt – I mean REALLY, I-think-I’m-gonna-die hurt?  Of course you have.  I don’t think anyone in the world has escaped this kind of despair....

I bet that most of us have heard of the concept of “gaydar” sometimes defined as an intuitive ability to assess the sexual orientation of another person from subtle cues. I know that this concept is wracked with potentially dangerous stereotypes. My intention has always been to talk about it in good fun, and never to be disparaging. I did a quick internet search to see if I could find any real research on the subject....