Debbie and I came up with a long-term goal when our three daughters were very young. We decided that we’d “create a home that our adult children want to come home to.” Debbie and I imagined ourselves together on the front porch, in rocking chairs, sipping our coffee and chatting the day away. Up would drive one or more of our children with their children. They’d run from the car towards us with hugs and kisses just waiting to be delivered. At each of those moments, Debbie and I would be so proud of having done what we did to raise our family.
There are two important pieces to this goal. First, Debbie and I were together on that porch. When life dealt us tough times, we knew that together we’d make it through. Whether the rough times were related to our marriage relationship, or whether they were external to it – such as illnesses of family members, job losses, or extended family dramas – we’d make it through together. If we didn’t, no porch – no rocking chairs.
The second piece is the children wanting to visit us. One might ask whether or not it is wise to include the behavior and attitudes of others into one’s own goals. How can we control somebody else’s desires? We can’t. But Debbie and I felt that there were things we could do back then that would make our children much more likely to say to their families, “Hey! Let’s go visit grandma and grandpa tomorrow!” instead of saying to their partners, “I supposed we haven’t seen those two crotchety old coots for a while. Let’s try to bamboozle the kids into joining us.”
I tend to be judgmental. It’s a part of my behavioral makeup that I continually strive to temper. As my children got older, it would be more and more critical that when they’d talk with me, they’d receive primarily my unconditional love and support – not my judgment.
How many young adults want to hear how they’re choosing the wrong careers or the wrong partners? How many new parents want to hear how they’re doing everything wrong as they raise their children? None. I needed to learn (and trust me, I haven’t learned it totally yet) that at times I needed to zip up my lip. I needed to make sure my children understood that they were valued for who they were, for the decisions they made and for the energy and passion and purpose that they brought to this world. If I did this, perhaps they would not only want to visit my wife and me. More importantly, perhaps they’d even be better, more confident adults.
Probably the most remarkable situation that challenged this goal came about 10 years into our marriage, when I came to grips with the fact that I was sexually attracted to men. This situation, and our decision to remain married, is a larger story. But among the many discussions, prayers and tears, Debbie and I talked about our rocking chairs. We talked about how important it was for us to raise these kids together, and how much we would love for them to come to mom and dad’s house.
In no way do I judge others in a similar circumstance whose marriages end in divorce. I know that sometimes divorcing - for many different reasons - is in the best interest of children and can create the best environment for them to grow up to be healthy adults. But in our case, I’m grateful that staying together worked.
Our daughters are all adults now. They have their own homes, their own marriages, their lives, their decisions. The story isn’t over. Debbie and I still strive to show them unconditional love, respect, and to listen without judgement. We often say what’s on our minds even when we disagree with them. When we give them advice – hopefully advice that’s more often solicited than not – we try to share it without shaming.
And, yes, sometimes we need to hold our tongues. But it’s pretty easy to do, because we’ve been practicing “when to show and when to hold” ever since our kids were young. And when we fail with this, they’re quick to forgive.
Today they come to our house quite often – even bringing cute little grandchildren (and sometimes a grandpuppy) with them! Our four-year-old grandson even created the cutest song with the words, “We’re on our way to grandma’s house. Hip, hip, hooray!”
We have a wonderful time together, and we’re grateful and blessed each time they’re home. You’ll have to ask them if they want to come over, but I’m pretty sure they do.
And those two rocking chairs are right there in front of the house, welcoming them.