In college, I was sexually attracted to women. But I was sexually attracted to men as well. I didn’t take any action on these feelings, and continued to date women as I had in High School. The conservative Catholic college that I attended certainly had no services available to young men with this issue back in the 1970’s. Most likely, there weren’t such services at any college – religious or not.
I took a psychology course that I just loved. I admired the teacher too. Dr. Z. was young, energetic, and passionate about his subject. The discussions in the class were consistently informative and engaging. He was very up-to-date on what was happening in the world of psychology, often citing studies that were more recent than our printed text book.
One day, I garnered enough courage to ask if I could talk to him after class. He agreed to meet me in his office. I was very nervous – probably physically shaking – as I confided in him that I was sexually attracted to men and wondered if I might be gay. I figured that as psychologist, he’d have the inside scoop on how all of this worked, and that he might even be able to give me some advice on how I might deal with these feelings – or refer me to someone who could.
He listened very well. Then he told me not to worry. He said that it was perfectly normal for young men my age to have those feelings. He assured me that these feelings would go away over time. Although I heard what he said, I was quite doubtful that they ever would.
Did Dr. Z. truly believe that a young man in his late teens or early twenties who had the courage to verbalize his homosexual tendencies out loud was really not gay? I really don’t know what the psychology of the time purported. I know now that, at the time, it was considered a psychological illness. In fact, it wasn’t removed from the list of mental disorders by the American Psychological Association until 1987! Did he know more than he was telling me – perhaps feeling that as a teacher with strong Catholic Christian ideals he morally could neither counsel me with this kind of issue nor refer me to someone who could?
In either event, it was bad advice. Or at least it was erroneous advice.
It was also relieving advice.
This was the answer I wanted to hear. I didn’t want something to be wrong with me. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be married. I wanted to have children. I wanted my home in the suburbs, to be a Catholic in good-standing, involved in a family and parish life – just a man leading an ordinary life.
So, you can see why I would be considered a Yes/Maybe per Gaydar 2.0.
Yes, I was attracted to men. Maybe I knew it. Maybe I didn’t really know. Maybe I should have pursued those feeling. Maybe it’s good that I didn’t. Maybe if I did pursue those feelings, I wouldn’t be around to write this blog right now - AIDS was not treatable back then.
Maybe had Dr. Z. told me I was probably gay and should talk about it with a professional counselor, I would have rejected his advice.
If I “really knew” – knew out loud to me, to my family, to my friends - maybe I wouldn’t have said “Yes” when Louie encouraged me to meet Debbie. Maybe I would have met, but not married Debbie – my soul mate, the love of my life.
So, you can see why I would be considered a Yes/Maybe per Gaydar 2.0. Yes, I was attracted to men. Maybe I knew it. Maybe I didn’t really know it. The advice I got that day – by design or by chance – didn’t encourage me to be out to myself, yet alone anyone else. It pushed me deeper into the closet.
The best advice is always based on the truth. Dr. Z’s belief that my gayness would “go away” wasn’t the truth. My hope is that today – forty years later – no teacher, counselor, minister, or parent would advise a young person as such.
Today, a young man can be told that his feeling may not go away - and that it’s OK. He can still marry, have children, be normal, be accepted, be a church member in good-standing (albeit not as a Catholic) and have a good life in the suburb if he wants to. (Yes, some gay people like to live in the suburbs!)
This kind of life for a gay person is still not a “slam dunk” by any means – but it’s certainly better than before – it’s “doable.”
In my case, this bad advice – and other overt and covert pressures from my church and society – led me on a path that I can’t regret. I eventually came to grips with my sexuality. And I’ve had a good life. Debbie loves me just as I am – so do my children, my friends, my co-workers, my siblings, and my in-laws. I know that I’m one of the lucky ones.