Debbie and I have been married for 37 years. I came out to her when we were married for about 10 years. At that time, I identified as bisexual. I was sexually attracted to men and to Debbie. We were committed to remaining happily married forever.
But others weren’t quite so sure.
A few of my friends challenged me. They assumed that I was fooling myself - that I was definitely gay, and that it would just be a matter of time before I realized this.
One of my friends very non-maliciously said, “Well, you know what they say, ‘Bi now, gay later!’” Another friend admitted to me after several years that she was quite sure that it would be only a matter of time before I’d realize I was indeed gay, and that Debbie and I would split up.
Their concern wasn’t without merit. According to the Straight Spouse Network, it is estimated that there are up to 2 million mixed orientation couples. When the gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner comes out, a third of the couples break up immediately; another third stay together for one to two years and then split; the remaining third try to make their marriages work. Of these, half split up, while the other half stay together for three or more years.
Using that math, Debbie and I had less than a 17% chance of being together for three or more years. These aren’t very encouraging statistics for a young couple in their early 30s who intend to remaining happily married for the rest of their lives.
I think that a part of me wanted to identify as bisexual so I could justify to the world why I remained married. If I was sexually attracted to both men and women, of course I could choose a woman. If I identified as gay, I’d be somehow lying to myself or Debbie, or I’d have to explain to others why I’m still married to a woman.
Recently I attended a diversity and inclusion workshop. I was presented with the Gender Unicorn infographic (see below.) The tool illustrates that gender, sexual orientation and the like isn’t as black and white as female/male, gay/straight – or even homosexual/ bisexual. I thought to myself, “Self, this is great! Perhaps I can use this tool to determine if I’m gay or bi-sexual - or maybe something else – once and for all!”
I did my self-assessment.
Gender identity is one’s internal sense of being male, female, neither of these, both, or another gender(s). I identify as male.
Gender expression is the physical manifestation of one’s gender identity through clothing, hairstyle, voice, body shape, etc. My gender expression is primarily male. I also have many stereotypically feminine expressions – primarily in some of my physical and vocal mannerisms.
Sex assigned at birth is the assignment and classification of people as male, female, intersex, or another sex based on a combination of anatomy, hormones, chromosomes. My assigned sex is male.
I’m physically attracted primarily to men. My physical attraction to women has been almost entirely with Debbie.
I’m emotionally and romantically attracted primarily to a woman – Debbie, of course.
So, what does that make me? I finally have the answer! Drum roll please!......... I am…..
Vince
It’s really quite simple. “I am a man - just like any other man - unlike any other man.” And I’m married to a woman. She loves me completely and unconditionally. And I love her the same way.
The truth is that I’ve never needed to justify any of this to anyone.
Way back when I came out to myself and to Debbie, our family counselor Catherine encouraged us. She said that Debbie and I – and only Debbie and I – define our marriage. She was way ahead of her time.
The purpose of our blog is to promote self-acceptance, honor of each person’s uniqueness, and unconditional love. I hope this refection helps someone, somewhere to do just that.
